Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Boyfriend Is Poly… And I’m Perhaps Maybe Maybe Not

Dear Doc,

I am 10 months in to a relationship with a guy that is absolutely wonderful. Our company is suitable on just about any level, the chemistry between us is amazing, he really loves my kids from a past wedding, and we’ve been discussing the likelihood of having married.

the thing is that he’s polyamorous and I’m maybe maybe maybe not.

he had been currently in a relationship with an other woman whenever we began dating, and their relationship has proceeded. He sees her approximately every single other weekend, although he wish to save money time along with her. He’s additionally available to other relationships developing in the foreseeable future. He has got been available and honest relating to this right from the start.

No desire is had by me to be poly myself. This guy checks just about any package to my “want from a relationship” list. But after going right through two divorces as a result of my lovers’ infidelity, dating a poly man *hurts*. Everytime he’s gone for the week-end, I proceed through fits of anxiety predicated on my fears to be kept for the next girl just as before. We generally speaking either lash away until he gets back at him(we’ve had some epic fights over text messages) or I completely emotionally shut down. I’ve told him exactly how this impacts me personally, and for me, he says he shouldn’t have to change who he is or how he loves because of my insecurities while he understands this is hard.

assist me personally, Doc. We don’t learn how to love a poly guy without my worries tearing me aside. Exactly what do i really do to help make this relationship work?

Bringing Regarding The Heartbreak

We hate to state this BotH but there aren’t likely to be any answers that are easy.

One truism about dating that everybody has to bear in mind is there’s no thing that is such “settling down” without “settling for”. No matter how wonderful, we have to pay the price of entry in every relationship. Often that pricing is fairly low. Often that cost could be high. Plus in your situation… that is likely to be a fairly high cost.

The simple fact associated with matter is, polyamory is not for everybody. It is like dating on steroids, since the level of anxiety and complications rises exponentially. You must have clear and available lines of interaction and then straighten out issues that are complex different types of relationships, psychological connections as well as the rules that govern them. This gets a lot more complicated by the truth that there are numerous, many kinds of polyamorous relationships – some folks have main and additional lovers, some have actually everyone else on equal standing. Some get one individual who is associated with various lovers but those lovers aren’t involved in one another, although some are one big lovefest.

But right right here’s finished .: you have to be a specific variety of individual to create poly work… also to be quite truthful, it does not appear to be you’re that sort of person. that isn’t a judgement it a comment on your love for your boyfriend on you, nor is. Your anxieties are genuine and understandable plus the means you are feeling is legitimate… however it’s additionally certainly not reasonable. You like the man you’re dating, and you also knew planning he had been poly. It’s unjust of one to lash down at him for doing something that – by getting into this relationship – you consented would definitely engage in the connection. By attacking him or freezing him out, you’re punishing him for something you would be ok with that you said.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m perhaps perhaps not saying you joined into this in bad faith. I’m certain you went directly into this confident that you’d have the ability to handle it. The problem is that clearly, you have actuallyn’t had the oppertunity to, and that is hurting you both. And if you do not will get previous that, this is certainly simply planning to keep causing more hurt and leaving the two of you miserable.